And so you code…
…
And so you code…
You’re at the office, everyday
Typing thousands lines of code

You spend your days debugging scripts
And your boss gives you the creeps
Sixty five developers
Planted in dark cubicles

Your team is always very late
Your work is just impossible
The deadline is already missed
CEO is always pissed

You drown yourself in tones of code
What a lousy daily mode
You wish for something truly else
To clean away the mess

But your boss is so stubborn. You’re stuck.
And so you code…
…
And so you code…

After six years you pass out
You set to try uniPaaS out
Complex projects are now a breeze
You beat deadlines with such great ease

Your lousy boss is now released
CEO is fully pleased
You take his place, you’re now in charge
You get an office nice and large

You’ve been promoted, you’re the boss
The rest who code, it’s just their loss
And you are happy as you can be, Alors,
Now you’re the boss,
…
Now you’re the boss,
Competition is still slow
Because they code,
And so they code…
…
And so they code…
Compile and load
In debug mode
And so they code…

Their brain corrode
Because they code
And so they code…
…
And so they code…

- The sooner you begin coding the later you finish.

- Any project can be estimated accurately (once it’s completed).

- The most valuable and least used WORD in a project manager’s vocabulary is “NO”.

- The most valuable and least used PHRASE in a project manager’s vocabulary is “I don’t know”.

- It takes one woman nine months to have a baby. It cannot be done in one month by impregnating nine women.

- You can con a sucker into committing to an impossible deadline, but you cannot con him into meeting it.

- At the heart of every large project is a small project trying to get out.

- If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.

- The more desperate the situation the more optimistic the situate.

- If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it probably is a duck.

- Too few people on a project can’t solve the problems – too many create more problems than they solve.

- A problem shared is a buck passed.

- A change freeze is like the abominable snowman: it is a myth and would anyway melt when heat is applied.

- A user will tell you anything you ask about, but nothing more.

- A user is somebody who tells you what they want the day you give them what they asked for.

- Of several possible interpretations of a communication, the least convenient is the correct one.

- What you don’t know hurts you.

- The conditions attached to a promise are forgotten, only the promise is remembered.

- There’s never enough time to do it right first time but there’s always enough time to go back and do it again.

- I know that you believe that you understand what you think I said but I am not sure you realise that what you heard is not what I meant.

- Estimators do it in groups – bottom up and top down.

- Good estimators aren’t modest: if it’s huge they say so.

- The same work under the same conditions will be estimated differently by ten different estimators or by one estimator at ten different times.

- A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.

- What is not on paper has not been said.

- If you don’t know where you’re going, any road will take you there.

- If you fail to plan you are planning to fail.

- If you don’t attack the risks, the risks will attack you.

- A little risk management saves a lot of fan cleaning.

- The sooner you get behind schedule, the more time you have to make it up.

- A badly planned project will take three times longer than expected – a well planned project only twice as long as expected.

- If you can keep your head while all about you are losing theirs, you haven’t understood the plan.

- When all’s said and done a lot more is said than done.

- If at first you don’t succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.

- Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off until the day after.

- Feather and down are padding – changes and contingencies will be real events.

- There are no good project managers – only lucky ones.

- The more you plan the luckier you get.

Onsite Coordinator
is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

Client
is the one who doesn’t know why he wants a baby.

Marketing Manager
is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

Resource Optimization Team
thinks they don’t need a man or woman; they’ll produce a child with zero resources.

Documentation Team
thinks they don’t care whether the child is delivered, they’ll just document 9 months.

Quality Auditor
is the person who is never happy with a delivered baby.

Tester
is a person who always tells that this is not the Right baby.

HR Manager
is a person who thinks that… a donkey can deliver a human baby – if given 9 Months !!!

Hope this helps you identify which team role is your natural preference… and don’t forget, there are no good project managers – only lucky ones.

Management lesson - never start a project unless all resources are available

Funniest source code comments :

// Dear maintainer:
// Once you are done trying to 'optimize' this routine,
// and have realized what a terrible mistake that was,
// please increment the following counter as a warning
// to the next guy:
// total_hours_wasted_here = 13

// When I wrote this, only God and I understood what I was doing
// Now, God only knows

// I'm sorry.

// Always returns true.
public boolean isAvailable() {
    return false;
}

// You are not meant to understand this

// I am not sure if we need this, but too scared to delete.

// Dear future me. Please forgive me.
// I can't even begin to express how sorry I am.

double penetration; // ouch

// Mr. Compiler, please do not read this.

// Hard to explain

// Empty constructor to satisfy the stupid compiler

public GetRandomNumber()
{
    // Chosen by a fairly rolen dice
    // guaranteed to be random
    return 3;
}

// DON'T SCREW WITH THIS CODE UNLESS YOU REALLY UNDERSTAND IT!

Twitteleh requires that you answer three basic questions:
Where are you?
What have you eaten?
Are you wearing a sweater?

And the same one but with Russian subtitles: